“I Hate to Bother You” Is a Leadership Signal

A weathered stone arch spans a cobblestone walkway between white buildings, opening into a quiet passageway beyond. Photograph by Charissa Simmons

When someone says, “I hate to bother you, I know you’re busy,” they’re not being polite.

They’re telling you access feels expensive.

That sentence is a risk calculation:

• Will I be annoying?

• Will this get dismissed?

• Will I look incompetent?

• Will I trigger a bad reaction?

And if people are doing that math before they talk to you, you won’t get what you need early.

You’ll get it late.
Packaged.
Or not at all.

I’ve seen this show up as “I didn’t want to bother you” after a problem has already spread. One person improvises, another copies it, and now you’re untangling a mess that could’ve been a 60-second decision.

Why it happens

People say this when:

• your pace or presence signals “don’t interrupt,”

• they’ve been punished before (by you or the culture),

• they don’t know what actually rises to your level,

• they’re managing your mood instead of solving the issue.

What to do about it

You don’t need to be constantly available.
You need to be predictably reachable.

Start with how you respond in the moment:

“You’re not bothering me. Give me the headline.”

Then make escalation rules explicit:

“Bring it to me when it involves customer harm, compliance risk, safety, brand risk, or you’re stuck and need a decision.”

And when you truly can’t engage right now, don’t shut the door—route it:

“I’m in the middle of something. Send me the top 3 bullets and what you need from me. I’ll respond by [time].”

That lowers the cost of access without making access chaotic.

Because here’s the deal:

If access feels expensive, people will protect you from problems—until the problems are too big to hide.

If this resonated, you may want to read this next → Language Shapes the Emotional Environment